It’s a story of a Brahmin gal who loved a non-Brahmin and due to father’s
compulsion married a Brahmin guy and leading a perfect life with little
happiness!!
(Some tamil words included)…
Dearest Appa,
27th Jan’1965
Hope this letter finds you, Amma, Raji and Seenu in good health. The
weather here in New York City is icy cold. But Avar sollraar- I have missed
this winter’s biting cold. I still wish I had seen the snow… But then, I
still wish I had not left Trichy at all. I do miss Trichy, Appa. You, Amma,
Raji, Seenu, pakkatthaathu Rama, Vikatan,Ucchi Pillaiyaar Koil, filter
coffee, Holy Cross College, the Maths Department and of course Sakthi. I
know you wish I hadn’t brought his name in this letter.But not to worry
Appa, I understand that you got me married to Visu because you thought it
was best for your daughter.
I still remember Amma wiping her silent tears with her madisaar thalappu and
you shouting at me the day I told you about Sakthi.Later, when the initial
shock wore off you patiently listed umpteen reasons why I should not marry
Sakthi. I agree Appa, that 20 is too young to decide, that Raji and Seenu
would have been affected greatly by my ‘mistake’, the Agrahaaram would have
scoffed at you… a meat eater was not a good match for someone who had never
even tasted onion and garlic. The reasons were innumerous. I knew you’d
still have objected and offered other reasons even if he had become a
Dhigambara monk.
Visu on the other hand, wore a poonal, he is the son of Neelakanta Sastri,
an Engineer and he researched about computers which is what made you jump
for this alliance. Am not complaining Appa, Visu is a nice man. Tell Amma
that I could not try her kozhakkattai recipe this Pongal because coconuts
were too expensive and Avar nenacchar that it was ridiculous.
Anyway, we went out on Sankaranthi day and dined out. He thought it would be
a good idea to invite the Chatterjees also. But I didn’t speak Bengali and
Mrs.Chatterjee spoke English in an accent that comes with living years in
America. Hence I made myself busy with the menu card. They ordered various
species of fish,shrimp and a lot more of items I had never seen in my life.
I ordered orange juice and a sandwich. The other diners thought it was queer
coming to a seafood restaurant and settling for a sandwich. That day, I
learnt that Avar prefer pannradhu beef, pork, bacon and seafood.
Do you know, Appa… Sakthi gave up meat because of me? I didn’t ask, he just
did. But then, Sakthi is not Neelakanta Sastri’s son and that made it
imposible for Subramania Iyer’s daughter Kalyani to marry him.I will keep
you posted on what happens here. I don’t think I can make it to Seenu’s
Upanayanam. Tell Amma not to get me a pattu podavai for the poonal, I don’t
use them here. I wore it once and felt like a clown here.
Your
loving daughter,
Kalyani.
Dearest Appa,
20th Oct’1968
We are fine here. Gautam is speaking his first words and I swear they
sounded like ‘Dosai’. But Visu claims it’s just gibberish. From your
previous letter, I gather that pakkathatthu Rama is married and
settled in Jamshedpur. Nice to know that. Please find out her address from
Saarada maami and write it to me. I want to keep in touch with her. I hope
Raji is happy with her husband in Madras. I spoke to her last month, great
to know that she has a phone. Do tell Seenu to study well and prepare for
his school final exams.
Raji also told me that Sakthi is married now. I wish him good luck, but I
could not convey the message to him. Raji refused to be the messenger and I
know you have severed ties with Sakthi’s father, your long term friend
Sankaravel, thanks to me. I hear his wife is his cousin… He must have
succumbed to his mother’s wishes.
How did Avani Avittam go? Visu’s mother gave me a bunch of new poonals for
Avani Avittam but Visu was in Boston that day. He wouldn’t have used it
anyway, I haven’t seen him wear one in the last three years. Gautam is now
playing with the spool of thread- mere thread it is, what else can I call
it? Gautam will not even know what it signifies, I guess.
Visu is making sure Gautam grows up listening to English only. He says it
will make his life easier. But I do read out passages from Ponniyin Selvan
and Bharathiyaar’s poetry when I am alone with him. It’s more of reading to
myself, I guess. I actually got that poetry book as a present from Sakthi,
it still has his scrawling signature in the first page.
By the way, Visu saw that book and asked me about Sakthi, I told him.
Hold your breath Appa, he didn’t throw me out of the house. He is a good
man, no question. He said it is okay and that he doesn’t mind. And then he
told me of his American girlfriend whom he was once in love with, when he
first reached America- Amy, a fellow Researcher who was in a brief
relationship with Visu when she was in New York. They lived together for 3
months and decided against marriage, somehow. Amy once dropped home when
she was in New York. Nice lady, she was.
Ask Amma to send me Sambar Podi for this whole year. My friend Sudha is
coming to Madras next week. Ask Seenu to catch the Rockfort Express and give
it to her. I will collect it from her here.
Your loving
daughter,
Kalyani.
Dearest Appa,
3rd June’1974
We have arrived here safely. After two months in India, I find it hard
to adjust back to normal life here. Gautam and Ranjana demand vadai,paayasam
and vaazhai ilai here. Visu’s relieved to be back in
America. I left a set of my books there. If it’s not in Trichy it must be in
Visu’s parents’ place. If you find them, safeguard them until my next trip.
They mean a lot to me since they were gifts from Sakthi. By the way, Appa,
I found out Sakthi’s present address in Madras from Rama and Saarada maami.
I wrote to him. I am extremely proud to know that Dr.Sakthivel is a
cardiologist much in demand there in Madras. He was thrilled to hear from me
after so long. You know what he has named his daughters? Kalyani and
Raagamaalika. He called me. You know what, he’s still a practising
vegetarian, Appa. He didn’t revert back just because he lost me… He asked me
if I still sang and whether Gautam and Ranjana could sing. I could see a
proud father in him, when he claimed his daughters could sing upto Rara Venu
Gopala. That’s when I remembered that I was once a good singer. I wonder
why I stopped singing, wonder why I never exposed the kids to Music and
Dance. But then, I realize that I had buried all that deep inside me when I
left Trichy; after bidding farewell to my best Rasika, actually. Sakthi.
After the call, I tried singing ’Kurai Onrum Illai’. I could not rquite
reach Charanam, because of the lack of practice and more importantly because
of the tears that filmed my eyes and the constriction in my throat. I sang
to Visu and the kids one of these days. Though Gautam was impressed, father
and daughter could not just wait for me to finish! By the way, next time
some friend comes to India, send me a Sruthi Box. I would like to start
singing again.
Your loving daughter,
Kalyani.
Dearest Appa,
14th Aug 1978
Just back after our tour to California. Find our photos, picture
postcards attached herewith. After you are done with showing all family
members,relatives, friends and neighbours, pass them to Visu’s parents. It
was a welcome break for the four of us. But I missed my paattu class
students all along and was happy to resume the classes again last evening.
Did I mention in my previous letter, before we left on the tour - I finally
got my driving license here. I sent a few photos to Sakthi too. He has sent
me quite a few records and cassettes. I loved it! I’m reminded of AIR,
almost! I’m circulating them among my friends too. And of course, playing
them for my students too. They are picking up beautifully. Funny news is,
I, a Tamilian, is teaching Telugu and Sanskrit kritis to a cross section of
Tamil, Malayalam, Kannada,Telugu, Marathi, Bengali students in an English
speaking nation. The music sessions have resulted in a reborn Kalyani, Appa.
Thanks to Sakthi, really. I would have never taken it up had it not been for
his reminder. I am now thinking of what life would have been like if I had
indeed married him. I would have of course lost you and Amma. But right now,
with this life in America, Visu and these monthly letters to you, Rama, Raji
and Seenu what have i gained? I don’t find an answer, Appa. Neither do I
think I ever will. Again, as I have always reiterated, Visu is a good man,
no complaints there. He is every bit the son in law you wanted. Researcher,
American Post-Graduate Degree holder, a dutiful husband and father,earning a
comfortable income. I know it is too much to ask for anything else. That is
a fantasy I left midway in my life… Once upon a time in Trichy with someone
else.
Your loving daughter,
Kalyani.
Dearest Appa,
14th Apr’1984
Met Dr.Sakthivel after 19 years… He had come to
New York for business purposes and paid me a visit. Visu and the kids
welcomed him home with great pleasure. And they liked him too. Infact, they
did most of the talking initially. And of course, he got me a whole load of
books, cassettes, Mysore Paak and lots more.
Your loving daughter,
Kalyani.
Dearest Appa,
20th Jan’ 1990
I just went through all these letters lying in my closet draw for years
together. These are letters I started writing to you and then decided not to
post. For obvious reasons. I could not mention Sakthi to you even though I
was itching to. Not because I was afraid to invite your wrath. I just did
not have the heart to hurt you, I know these letters would have hurt you.
Because deep inside, I know you were disturbed- you knew Sakthi was a good
man, you knew he was a man of substance, yet you didn’t want to go further.
Society, I know. ..Family… I know… And all these letters would have only
wounded you more.Today, 2 years after your death, and 6 months after
Dr.Sakthivel’s untimely death in a road accident, I somehow felt like
re-reading all these letters. To me, all these unstamped, unposted letters
mean a life that could have been.
Kalyani Viswanathan.
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